The Spring Fanfiction Project Returns!
"Hour of the Tentacle"

Ding.

Years had past since the man who fancied himself a God was defeated, since the epic struggle was won and the World of Ruin blossomed into a World of Hope. Hope, at least, to all but one conniving cephalopod.

"I hope you finally sneezed me something valuable today! Five years and I'm still stuck in this stupid coliseum gig!"

"Fungaahhh!!!" Came Chupon's characteristic reply as he dropped a heavy burlap sack on the receptionist's desk with a clang. Chupon was a -- that is to say, he bore similarities to -- erm, vaguely resembled....

Let's face it, nobody quite knew what Chupon was. But he did possess a deadly combination of stupidity and allergies that the right man would find invaluable. And Ultros was that man.

...Octopus.

Ding Ding.

Ultros raised a pair of purple tentacles and tore through the contents of the bag. "Potion...bandana...these heroes are getting cheaper by the minute! A SLEEPING BAG?! Chupon, explain something to me. How am I going to repay twelve lifetimes worth of debt with A SLEEPING BAG?!"

"Gwaaah?"

Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding.

"You big dumb, stupid, dumb brute! You better start entering fights with valuable wagers pronto. Let's not forget that Uncle Ulty is the brains of this operation, you're just expendable brawn! Why the number of times I planned to get you stuffed and use you to scare those bratty children off my lawn--WHAT DO YOU WANT ALREADY?!" Ultros turned in a huff towards the timid warrior who had been ringing the receptionist's bell nonstop for the last minute.

"I...Is this where I enter to fight?"

Ultros' expression instantly softened, or at least probably would have with extensive reconstructive surgery and dental work.

"That depends on what it's worth to you, shorty! What sorts of rare, exotic and above all expensive items will you be staking your life and honor on this afternoon?"

"Well, I've got these tonics..."

"GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!" The warrior got a faceful of ink and fled whimpering from the coliseum, banging into a few columns on the way.

"Muscle heads. Still hate 'em!" Ultros sighed and absentmindedly sifted through the remaining contents of the bag. Watching the man's flight with some satisfaction, he failed to notice Chupon gesticulating wildly with what limbs he had at the only remaining object in the sack.

"Fwaaaagggh!"

"Ho ho ho, what have we here!" He held the object aloft -- it was folded, rubbery and coated with filth. "Ugh, it's dusty! Lemme just...wipe some off that nameplate...right there...aha! 'Cid's Inflatable Random Dimensional Port-O-Master 3000: Press Button to Operate'. I likes me the sound of that! Now to find this so-called Button."

"Gaaafgwaaah!!!!"

"Well obviously it's the big red button on the top. At least you're paying attention! Here we go..."

Ultros didn't even have time to take his appendage off the button. Dust flew into the air as the rubber device instantly sprung outwards, transforming into an open doorway. The entire door was laced with a thin membrane of madly twisting blackness that defied comprehension while at the same time conforming to the exact stereotype of an inter-dimensional portal thingy.

"Fuuwaaaah...."

"You said it old pal. When I sell this thing, I'll be rich beyond my wildest dreams! See all it's shiny whatsits and thingamabobs...I need to get a closer look!"

"Fwaaaaaaaaa..." The dust drifted down from the ceiling and settled around Chupon's face.

"Still stunned by my brilliance, I see. Yes, all my hard work has finally paid off! They looked down on me, they stuck me with this crappy job, but soon they'll see what it's like to kneel before Octapus Royalty!"

"GhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAA..."

Ultros, now standing directly in front of the portal, spun his head around to see what was wrong with his friend. Slowly he came to a terrible, terrible realization.

"Chupon. Tell me you are not going to do what I think you are about to do."

"...AAAAAAAACHOOOOO!!!"

Ultros didn't stand a chance.

As soon as he flew through the portal the atoms in his body were torn apart and split precisely between each and every dimension out of the infinity they managed to find. They proceeded to smash into each other a few millions times at faster than light velocities, have a few non-alcoholic beverages and a rousing game of billiards, and nanoseconds later reconstruct themselves more or less at random in a rather boring dimension that had a hell of a lot of sand.

Ultros gazed at the wasteland in a stupor until the shock of what he had just experienced caught up with him.

"That was...unpleasant!" He passed out.




Today's Author: Aeon Azuran

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