GCB Fanfics: The Fanfiction Project

Joke Fic - Crono vs Mario

aka Katana Wielding Goku Clone vs Fat Italian Stereotype



The unbearably epic showdown: Battle of the mute monstrosities

"Ladies, gentlemen, and all you others... you've watched this man skin racoons and annihilate maniacs without a second thought. Today, give it up for the sultan of steel, the lord of lightning magic, the big kahuna of battle, the funky swordsdude to end all funky swordsdudes... CRONO!"

Crono strutted into the arena like a giddy prom queen. The crowd began shouting, weeping, and shredding their clothes in excitement at his arrival.

"Crono! I've got ten grand that says you shove that katana up that plumber's crack this year! Don't let me down!"

Crono nodded to the fan, and took center stage, twirling his sword on one finger for show. Fanboys were seldom coherent and always annoying, but they had their uses. He wouldn't mind having a few human shields around right now.

"And now, here he is... the prince of pudge himself... the man more popular than mickey mouse. He's spent these last two weeks on a vigorous eating regimen, consuming enough pasta to feed an entire third world nation. He's a fighter, scrubber, plumber, racer, celebrity pharmacist, athlete, mafia agent, and pimp all in one portly package... You know him by one name... MARIO!"

The reckless rotund red rebel raced into the arena, doing a backflip and landing squarely in front of Crono, rippling the ground beneath his massive bulk. Mario grinned at his adversary, and twirled his moustache like a cocky italian mobster who had just come back from bumping off your entire family and leaving a pair of fuzzy dice as a parting gift. "You shall soon learn the true meaning of linguini! I'll smack you down through the ground to chinatown! Let's get it on, hair boy!"

The two testerone fueled fighters leaped into the air, and began flying through the air at rapid speeds, never actually hitting each other but managing to move around a lot and make it very hazordous for any birds to fly around. It was incredibly epic and entertaining for the whole audience.

"This is the fight of the century! I'm getting horny just watching it! Wasn't that amazing folks? And now, an instant replay!"

As Crono landed on the ground, and waited for the crowd reaction shot to finish, he offered up a silent prayer to the great Lord Magus. Ever since he had found the people of Medina worshipping Magus as their true lord, he knew he could have no other master than the wizard who radiated sex appeal the same way Crono radiated body odor. It was difficult to contain his divine admiration for the man. Crono frowned suddenly. He really had to talk to Marle about getting another Magus statue installed in Guardia Castle, and changing the country's anthem to the Magus theme.

Mario, the fat foolish freak, let fly a flurry of fifty fiercesome flaming fireballs for the fiesty frowning fighter. Crono laid into the projectiles like a starving mario brother attacking a lasagna. The air grew still. Too still.

"So, Crono, you've done well. But you must know, you will never beat me, being so weak."

Mario dove toward Crono, battering at the swordman's defenses with a series of well placed buttstomps.

"Yes, but I know something you don't know... I am not right-handed!"

Crono threw his blade to his other hand, and began slapping Mario around with his sword like a sexually repressed glove salesman.

Mario fell back, panting with either exhaustion or excitement. "Not bad. But there is something you should know. I have not even been using half of my power!"

"Oh yeah? Well I haven't even been using a third of my power!"

"One quarter!"

"Three seventeenths!"

"1/(Pi*(e^(I*Pi)*45)^6)!"

"1 over Infinity plus one!"

"Nuh uh! 1/(sum(n^4*n^n, 1.. infinity)"

"Woah, who does your power?"

"Mafia connections."

"Sweet dude, hook me up."

"Redheads need not apply."

"RAARRGH! That does it!" Crono began to scowl, for the first time in his life. The effect was devastating. Grown men shrunk in fear. Women began to find him more sexually appealing. Children wept. Message boarders marked with impunity, as moderators banned all those in sight. And somewhere, in a differrent part of the multiverse, an anteater died of serial depression as a mindless political hack gave a speech about the dangerous of underage video game consumption. The air began to ripple around Crono's angry form, forming a miniature vacuum around the furious fighter.

"Super Saiyan Crono time!"

Crono's hair turned yellow. No other changes were neccessary.

Mario gasped in awe at Crono's newfound power. "You leave me no choice... MUSHROOM OVERDOSE ATTACK!"

Mario began gulping down mushrooms like there was no tomorrow. The plumber began to grow more and more massive in size, until it looked like he could take up a part time career terrorizing Tokyo if he ever got over the whole handyman thing.

"LUMINIAREHAEAHA!"

"SPECIAL SUPER ULTRA MEGA BIG AWESOME GLORIOUS GODLIKE FIRE BALL ATTACK!"

Crono moaned in some disturbing mix of pain, effort, and ecstacy as the massive beam shot out of his body. Mario held his fireball in place, and the two massive attacks collided in mid air, neither budging an inch. They stayed like that for a few hours. But Crono finally began to gain the edge, on account of he's more pissed.

Mario's firey blast began to be forced back, by Crono's relentless asssault. The odds were looking slim for the previous winner of this match. The audience was already getting bored and moving on to talking about the next fight.

"Well folks, that about wraps it up... no wait, what's this? CJayC has entered the ring! It appears that he wants to have a few words with the fighters. He's walking over to Crono... OH MY GOD, NO! He's going for the chair! Crono's masculine, smooth, muscular, lithe body is getting pummelled! He's backing off now..."

CJayC stepped back a few steps and shoved a bloody dagger into Crono's heart, on which were written the date of last year's fight.

"AM I NOT MERCIFUL??" The tyrant yelled, spitting in Crono's face. He and Mario leaped onto Crono, crushing the yellow haired hero, battering his helpless body. "Your match has been predestined since the dawn of the contest. I've got twenty thousand brackets here that say you lose. It is your destiny."

Crono barely had the time to cough before the breath was forced out of him. "You know... I've never been a big fan of destiny."

Without warning or logical sequence, Magus materialized in a puff of smoke. A guitar solo began to riff through the arena as Magus stared down Mario and CJayC. The crowd began howling in excitement and sensual delight as the caped magician rested his scythe on Mario's shoulder.

"Game's over, cretins. You can stay still and die now, or die fifteen seconds later with a lot more pain."

"You can't do this to me!" CJayC whimpered. "I own this site!"

"I own your mom!" Magus retorted brilliantly. "Prepare to d.... DARK MATTER! IN THE FACE! OH YEAH!"

Mario tried to roll his oversized form out of the way, but Magus sliced his scythe through the enormous match stealing tub of pasta without a second thought. He then proceeded to burn, freeze, and electrify the corpse a few times, just for good measure.

Magus villainously flexed and posed for the crowd, uttering numerous witty comments and classic evil lines, while dispensing machismo, entertainment, and wholesome family values in a convenient codpiece enhanced package.

"Thank you, worthless ingrates. You remain unworthy of my presence. Women, form one line, no pushing. I'll be here all night. Try the pasta."

MAGUS WINS


Today's Author: BigCow
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