| Sovereign Threads: The Spring Fanfiction Project |
April 6, 2004Donkey Kong vs Duck Hunt: Chapter 1 The day of reckoning had arrived. They had had it with being chased and shot at. Hounded day and night by that sneering dog and blasting gun. It was time to fight back—past time. He cocked his head to the side as a bark sounded far behind him, closely followed by the crack of the rifle. Good. The diversion was working like a charm. The terror would end tonight. He crept forward, wide feet sliding over the forest floor silently. Just a little further..... Yes! Howard burst out of the protective foliage in a cloud of white feathers. He sounded his mighty battle cry, a grand trumpet of hope for his people, “Quaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!!” ~~~~~ Donkey Kong blew a raspberry at the stodgy carpenter, who ignored him. Jumpman did not, however, ignore the giant barrel the ape sent hurtling in his direction. True to his name, Jumpman leapt over the rolling object and kept climbing upwards. Almost there...... he thought grimly, picking his way up the shallow slope while keeping his eyes peeled. The path he was navigating was both incredibly straight-forward and mind-bogglingly chaotic. Living fireballs ran around, burning everything they touched. Barrels flew left and right (some of them were on fire). And the pies....... well, pies just HURT. Suddenly, he spotted a hammer tucked away beside a ladder, and he scrambled for it as quickly as his stubby legs could carry him. Once he had that...... Jumpman’s hands closed around the handle of the hammer, and he instantly felt a rush of power flowing through him. “Bonzai!” he yelled, smashing a second incoming barrel into splinters. He kept swinging the hammer relentlessly, as Pauline gasped and closed her eyes. She didn’t like to see him like this....... so...... wild...... She knew it was necessary—she didn’t LIKE being kidnapped by giant apes after all—but wasn’t there a better way to settle this? Maybe over tea, and a nice game of checkers.... The sky flashed white, and Pauline gasped again, squirming in Donkey Kong’s arms. For a moment she thought she saw...... a duck? But a second later, it was gone. Jumpman, at the same time, felt a peculiar pushing sensation. It was as if a light, hard object had crashed into his head (which was already off balance with the blood rushing far faster than normal). Curious, he let it inside. If I release this hammer precisely .26 seconds after it reaches minimum altitude so that the stick makes a 55-degree angle with the horizon..............What? No time to question the random thought, even though nothing of the sort had EVER crossed his mind before. Jumpman released the hammer. It arced swiftly through the air towards Donkey Kong, and the ape had barely a moment to register the new course of events before it smacked him between the eyes. He staggered, dropping Pauline like a sack of sand and falling right off the edge of the slick red platform It was 30 long feet to the packed dirt ground. ~~~~~ The dog turned as she heard the sounds of battle behind him. “What the hel—“ “Quaaaa-quack quack whack!!” And she sighed. Just her master and an angry duck. Her name was Marguerite, although her master called her “Rusty.” Dumb human...... probably didn’t even know she was a girl. Still, the job kept her fed, and it WAS quite entertaining to watch her master shoot (or miss, as was so often the case) the ducks. A disturbingly feminine scream pierced the dog’s reverie. It appeared that the duck was playing dirty. She couldn’t blame it really. Marguerite had done the same to a few boyfriends that were a little....... too quick to go for their “guns.” Still, now that the master was rolling on the ground in a fetal position, he could end up hurting something important. Obligingly, Marguerite barked and lunged towards the offending duck, snapping her jaws half-heartedly. It was strictly business, after all. Howard squawked and flapped backwards out of range of the sharp teeth. A momentary flash of paleness interrupted their bout. It seemed to smear the outlines of her surroundings, as if everything—trees, people, ducks, and shrubs—had rearranged themselves without warning and then were reset. Such a fundamental shift in reality disoriented the dog, until she forced herself to ignore it, leaping after the retreating duck. She couldn’t let herself be distracted. ~~~~~ “Oh, Pauline!” “Oh, Jumpman!” Oh, barfbag, thought Donkey Kong, just now awakening. Groaning, he levered himself to his feet. Meticulously scanning his bruised body parts, he nodded once just to assure himself that his head was still attached. It was, and it HURT. He called up to Jumpman, “Well, I hope you’re happy, carpenter. My head hurts like hell, and I broke my pinky nail. I’m going home.” Pauline and Jumpman broke their embrace to gawk. “You can talk?” “No dummy, I’m contacting you telepathically.” “Well..... err..... I—“ A brilliant flash of light interrupted Jumpman’s words, twice as bright as the one before. It quickly faded, but in seconds another had started up. Another flash. Then another. Each time, the world swirled and blurred together more and more. Finally, Donkey Kong could take no more. He closed his eyes and waited for the world to return to normal. ~~~~~ Howard backed off, livid. That dog! How dare it...... that animal....... “Quack-quack-wack!” And they came. Every duck in the forest, 3-dozen strong, flew towards the confrontation site as planned. Other birds came too, ready and willing to risk their lives for the good of the forest. Howard flew higher to get a better perspective, and looking down at the two, the gunman and the dog, he chuckled. That dog..... it was as nothing, easily crushed in his beak! How sweet his revenge upon them will be! The sky flashed, and caught up in his sweet fantasy, Howard failed to notice. But when he looked down at the dog and her master....... What? The man with the gun was gone, replaced by a chubby carpenter in strange overalls. A female stood nearby him, dressed in a neat skirt and gaping at her surroundings. And a third—a giant one, lumbering and just as visibly confused as the other two. But it didn’t matter to Howard. To him, all humans were the enemy (even the unusually large ones). He steeled his resolve and called out to his troops, already diving towards the short one. Chapter 2 It was a sight to make Link of Hyrule swear off poultry for life. They covered the sky, nearly blotting out the sun with their brown and white wings. And they were diving straight for Jumpman, his girlfriend, and his sworn enemy. So our hero did the smart thing. He ran the **** away. “Aaaaaaaaah!!!” Pauline, seeing his cowardly retreat, hastened to join her lover. Donkey Kong followed, easily keeping pace despite his lumbering form. The ducks flitted onward (the other birds were content to let them be on the front lines), slashing ferociously with their beaks towards the fleeing heroes. Within moments, Jumpman’s hands and head were covered in bleeding cuts, both from running through the dense foliage and the onslaught of the birds. Pauline tried to fend off the ducks with her parasol, but they pursued her relentlessly, stabbing, dodging, quacking, in a whirlwind of terror and feathers. Donkey Kong had a much easier time of it. He simply withdrew into himself as he ran, ignoring the flapping and pecking. He waited patiently for one of the ducks to grow careless and stay too long in a straight-line flight. Then, quicker than a bullwhip, he lashed out with one giant fist and smacked it to the ground. The ducks quickly learned to ignore the ape. He knew however, that if he fell behind, he would be overwhelmed by sheer numbers. Ducks, man, woman, and ape carried their pitched battle through the forest on their feet and wings. It seemed almost surreal, and none questioned how or why this had happened. No one thought of why the ducks had chosen to fight back or why had Jumpman been sent to take the place of the hunter. Even now, after the convergence of dimensions, there was no concern except for the here and now. Moments after the chaos passed, Marguerite crawled out of the underbrush, stretching out her stubby legs and shaking her floppy ears from side to side. The ducks had forgotten all about her. That man...... in the outfit of a carpenter. Who was he? Why was master gone and he here instead? She alone asked these strange questions, as one partially outside the narrow views of eternal conflict. She sniffed duck, she chased duck. She held up duck when the master shot it and laughed at him when he missed. This left her plenty of time to think about other matters. Well, her master was gone. Perhaps the carpenter knew something about it, perhaps not. Either way, he, the girl, and the ape were all heading towards Dabslac Cave. Quite fortunate, since in the damp and the dark, they could easily lose the ducks. Marguerite sighed. She’d have to hurry if she wanted to get there before them. ~~~~~ Further on, the chase continued. Jumpman’s breath sounded painfully in his ears as his feet thudded on the ground. He’d almost take fighting a legion of fire monsters over this persistent enemy. Almost. The forest seemed endless, every tree and shrub looking identical, like they had been all copied off of each other. But Jumpman didn’t worry about the locale. He was more concerned with the cliff that had loomed up in front of him. It wasn’t very tall, for a cliff. Barely more than 30 or so feet. But definitely too high to climb, and WAY too high to climb quickly. They were being chased into a corner. But..... Jumpman squinted .... there was a crack in the cliffside. A large one. It ran all the way up to the top, and at the bottom seemed just wide enough for three people to fit through. Or one ape. He changed his course, hoping he could get away from the ducks in there. Again, Pauline and Donkey Kong followed, subconsciously knowing that they had to stick together to survive. They entered the cave and kept running. Most of the birds left, afraid of the darkness and the enclosed space. But all of the ducks remained on the trail. Still, one by one, they flew into cave walls or simply lost track of their quarry, and they all eventually retreated in confusion. At last given some peace and quiet, Jumpman simply collapsed, panting heavily. He had never been in shape, and the pursuit of Donkey Kong and his kidnapped Pauline had come right before this chase. He was exhausted. “Hmph. Lightweight,” grunted Donkey Kong, sitting down next to him. It was an odd moment for the carpenter. He was terrified of the giant ape still, but after the chase, it just seemed...... as if their relationship was different now. Donkey Kong was not some nigh-invincible creature that could flatten Jumpman in one blow—well, he still WAS—but they had BOTH ran from the ducks together, running for their lives. Donkey Kong was mortal, made of flesh and blood. He spoke and he felt afraid. They weren’t so different after all. And Pauline....... she lay on the ground, as badly out of breath as Jumpman. And her eyes..... Jumpman suddenly realized that her heavy breathing was worse than exhaustion. She was terrified. Pauline was just a normal girl, really. She had been kidnapped by a hairy ape and then attacked by quacking furies in quick succession. She couldn’t deal with this tumult and confusion. Jumpman wondered if it would ever be the same between them again, even if things returned to normal. A blinding light reached Jumpman’s eyes, and he recoiled in surprise and pain. His eyes had just gotten used to the darkness. “Jeez. It’s a FLASHLIGHT, not a monster.” Donkey Kong’s sarcastic tone dispelled his sudden fear. Jumpman didn’t know where he got it from, and in the strange light, he noticed something else. Donkey Kong was wearing a tie. A red one, which he had never worn before. He quickly pointed this fact out to the ape. Donkey Kong blinked. And his voice...... ever since they had landed in this strange place, it was harder to talk. Even after only one sentence, his throat was hoarse. Donkey Kong decided to cut back on the public speaking—for now. Besides, he had things to think about. How did he get to this place? Why were the ducks chasing them? He traced his mind back to the fight between him and Jumpman. That’s where it started. I was just thinking that if he released that hammer at a certain time, it would hit me. And then he did it, as if we were thinking the same thing. He’s just a carpenter..... but then, I’m just an ape that majored in General Physics, so I guess it’s even. It felt..... strange...... at the time. As if some unwritten law had been violated. As if until that moment, they were all guided by one god, and he had abandoned them to fend for themselves, taking everything with him. If Donkey Kong knew the day would have been like this, he would have ignored Pauline and stayed in bed that morning. First things first. Those ducks were still out there. The ape could hear their cries even from deep in the cave. Jumpman, once more, seemed to be thinking the same thing. “What do we do now? Those-a ducks are still-a there.” Donkey Kong blinked at the nearly unnoticeable lilt in Jumpman’s speech. “Was..... that an Italian accent?” “So it was-a. It felt.... right, somehow,” Jumpman said carefully, trying to guard against its return. “Well..... I have something, but......” Donkey Kong brought out one fist. In it was a good-sized hunting rifle. “Found it when we came. Too small for me.” “I could use it, I suppose-a,” began Jumpman. “But I don’t know how.” [I can show you how] came a bark in the darkness of the cave. Chapter 3 Donkey Kong jumped, then turned his flashlight on the newcomer. It was a dog, female from the sound of her bark, and friendly looking enough. She shrank back from the brightness instinctively before realizing that it posed no threat. “Who are you?” he asked. [I am Marguerite] she barked in reply, shaking her floppy ears. “Following us?” Jumpman blinked confusedly at the—to him at least—one-sided conversation. Donkey Kong, seeing his expression, quickly translated, remembering that humans had lost their ability to communicate with their fellow animals when they taught themselves to speak. Mammalian language was more reading of body language and scent clues than vocal. (Birds, of course, were nearly as vocal as humans, and the few reptiles that bothered to communicate used audible thumps and other ways alien to a warm-blooded creature) “Ah. So you-a can show me how to use this thing-a?” His accent is getting thicker..... [If the large one can translate. First, you need this.> Marguerite lowered her head to the ground, dropping a small box she had been carefully holding in her teeth. She trotted over to the gun while Donkey Kong relayed the information to Jumpman. Donkey Kong found himself zoning out, and he translated what the dog said with half a mind. He never liked guns, and there were other things to think about. First of all, where did that dog come from, and why was she so familiar with this strange rifle? Being canine, she couldn’t use it herself, and if it belonged to her master, then where was he/she? On top of that, he still couldn’t figure out what happened. It was as if they had been pulled into another world. The thought gave him pause. Maybe this WAS another world. All the crazy things he had seen so far....... the ape shook his head. A nice theory, but it didn’t help them get out of their ludicrous situation. They were still trapped in a cave by homicidal waterfowl, and Donkey Kong didn’t know how much good a three-shot pea shooter would do them. He told as much to the dog. [Don’t worry. If you can get the ducks, the rest of the birds will disperse. It’s mostly the ducks attacking you anyway. There are about 32 of them left thanks to your ham-fists, and there are three mini-boxes of 15 bullets inside the one I gave the carpenter] DK grunted. 13 bullets to spare—good for an experienced shooter, but for a novice, they’d be eaten up like candy. And it wouldn’t take the ducks long to figure out they were being shot at, and either retreat to where the bullets could not touch them—or charge the attacker en masse. And even that was assuming they did not see the carpenter as he got close. Since they were probably camping the cave entrance, they would have to find a way through the caverns or..... He stroked his tie thoughtfully. “We need a diversion. They won’t attack me.” He growled through the irritation. It was getting harder to talk, too.... Two pairs of eyes (and one extra, once he realized what they had in mind) swiveled towards the girl, who had tried to sleep during all this talk about guns and diversions. Slowly, she opened her eyes and yawned. “What are you looking at me for?” “Can’t believe the nerve of them. The ABSOLUTE nerve. Abandoning a helpless little girl to the mercy of a group of ANIMALS.” Just THINKING about it made Pauline want to smack them all with her parasol. Made her want to crush them with her (non-existent) frying pan. Made her want to RIP large turnips out of the ground and USE THEM TO BEAT THOSE JACKASSES INTO THE— What the hell? Pauline stopped and blinked. Turnips? Her mind tried to comprehend the source of these strange thoughts, but she could not. Oh well. Perhaps taking her rage out on the ducks would be more productive. And speak of the devil..... As she reached the exit of the dark cave, one part of her squealed with delight at the sight of sweet sunlight once more, the other simply squealed in pure terror at the green-and-white shapes diving towards her, bent on total annihilation. ~~~ Mari—err, Jumpman was busy setting up his hiding place outside. He had found a second exit to the cave, and stumbled on a nice thick bush only a moment later. The surrounding forest would disguise the firing of his gun, while the forest would obscure his position. Everything was perfectly clear. Shoot the ducks with the gun. 32 ducks, 45 bullets. Reload after every three. Repeat until out of bullets or all the ducks were gone. Only one thing still bothered him about the whole thing. Why-a am I thinking-a in an Italian-a accent-a? ~~~ [It’s called the Loaded Dice theory,] said Donkey Kong, in his familiar ape language. [See, it started back in the early 1900’s, when all sorts of scientists were debating the nature of the universe. One scientist thought that the behavior all things—objects, people, everything—was governed by predictable patterns and a set of unbreakable laws. The other argued that the only TRUE law that existed was one of probability—predictable randomness, if you will. The first scientist said back, “God does not play dice with the universe.”] [So..... which one was right?] asked Marguerite, deciding to kill some time in the darkness of the cave. [We’re not really sure. For now, we accept that the world is a combination of the two. The concepts governing large things, like the falling of an apple off a tree, follow the laws of physics completely. No exceptions. But small things—atoms and molecules, for instance—are far more unpredictable. You could never tell for certain what they will do—you can simply observe and assume. 99% of the time, you will be right, but not always.] [Bah. Who cares about atoms? Can’t see ‘em anyway,] barked the dog. She had never gone to school, and didn’t really care for all that sciencey crap. Donkey Kong shrugged. [Well, that’s in reference to the “Loaded Dice” theory. It really doesn’t have to do anything I was talking about earlier—] [Then why did you bother?] [Because that’s where I got the name. It’s a separate theory, one that deals with multiple worlds.] [Multiple worlds?] [Yeah. We’re obviously from different ones—guns are only a theory in our world, and don’t really work in practice. I was analyzing the strange occurrences that took place right before we were brought here. All I can guess is that everything—me, you, Jumpman, your master, everyone—was thrown together like Super Balls set on a collision course, and somehow merged into one existence. And then we “bounced” and separated out again. Except, of course, for your master and Jumpman] Marguerite shook her head. [Why?] [I can’t say for certain.] [And so what’s your theory?] Donkey Kong stroked his tie. [Well—] A loud scream interrupted him. [That’s Jumpman’s cue,] barked Marguerite, panting in a canine smile. ~~~ The first moments were a blur in Pauline’s mind. She saw the bloodthirsty waterfowl and ran for her life—not back into the cave, as would be logical, but out into the forest. She was so preoccupied with escape that she did not hear the shot, or see the first duck fall. The second shot missed, and no one even noticed the bang—such was the chaos of the quacking mad pursuit. Not even the third shot elicited a response from duck or damsel, although it was straight and true, tearing off the wing of one duck and sending it spiraling down to the forest floor. The chase continued as Jumpman, still safe in his hiding spot, reloaded his gun once more. ~~~ Blam! Blam! Blam! Only one shot hit this time. Jumpman swore in Italian. At this rate, he’d run out of bullets before the ducks were gone. Dejectedly, he began to reload. You’ve-a got to do-a this. Pauline is-a counting on-a you. If you-a can’t-a save her.... Jumpman squeezed his eyes shut. No.... I can’t handle this! I’m just a carpenter..... Not a soldier, not even a hunter! You’re-a wrong. There’s someone-a else here-a. You can-a feel him..... He opened his eyes again, and for an instant, let himself go. Away from the forest and the ducks and even Pauline...... he could feel himself reaching for something. Something important. Finally, he refocused on the gun. I know-a how to-a use this. It was as if he had carried it his whole life. The bird rifle seemed calm, reassuring, and deadly. He raised and fired. Blam! Blam! Blam! Three more ducks hit the fallen leaves below the trees. That made 6. ~~~ Donkey Kong blinked as both he and Marguerite stepped out into the light. No one saw them. Three more shots fired, and he blinked again. For a moment, Marguerite seemed to..... vanish. [Are you okay?] he asked, alarmed. [What do you mean, am *I* okay? You just disappeared!] [Huh?] They both looked at each other, completely confused. ~~~ 9 down. It was strange though. Each time a bullet hit another duck, the entire flock would appear to fade out, and immediately back in again. Still, he couldn’t let that break his concentration. ~~~ It was at this moment that Howard realized that something was horribly wrong. He let his fellows continue ahead as he slipped to the back of the flock. One, two, three...... wait. Almost a third of his force was gone. He glanced down, and saw the broken bodies of the missing ducks. It took mere moments to process this new information in a moment of panic. [Wait! She’s a distraction! There’s a gu—] And it took even less time for another bullet to silence him forever. ~~~ The attack broke off almost immediately after their leader’s death. The girl was meaningless now—the hunter had returned! Frantically, they reversed and searched for the satanic gun, as two more ducks fell to the earth. An eternity of terror passed, bringing with it two more rounds and five more deaths, but each of the brave ducks held their ground and kept looking, although the few remaining other birds had long fled. [There!] shouted one. [Smoke in those bushes! Attack!] ~~~ Sixteen remained. Their numbers were halved, but there were still were enough to be a threat. Jumpman reloaded his gun again. “Quack! Quack quack quack quack!” The carpenter’s heart sank into his stomach as all the remaining ducks swiveled and dove towards his hiding bush. He snapped off a quick shot, and then it was HIS turn to fly for his life. ~~~ Marguerite cocked her ear to the air. [The shooting’s stopped. Think something happened to Jumpman?] The ape frowned in response. [Well, he’s definitely not out of bullets. Maybe they found him. In which case.....] [Yup. Let’s nab us some birdie birds.] ~~~ Pauline collapsed in the shade of the trees. Her chest still heaved, and her legs felt like burning jelly. She lay on the floor and accepted the damp dead leaves on her already sweat-soaked back. Ouch..... She wanted nothing more than to fall asleep forever. Maybe this was all a bad dream. Maybe if she slipped into unconsciousness, she’d wake up in her own bed. Maybe..... Who was she kidding? This was no dream. Pauline heaved herself reluctantly to her feet. And Jumpman was in trouble. He was risking his life for hers. And now..... She scooped up her parasol, nearly forgotten in the panic of the duck attack. She didn’t know what to do, but she had to do SOMEthing. After all, that’s the rule. Help until you’re kidnapped, and then be helpless and offer moral support in the form of screaming. And I’m not kidnapped yet. ~~~ Can’t..... keep-a...... going...... One stubby toe caught on a malicious tree root, and Jumpman tumbled to the ground. The ducks caught up in an instant, crying with fury. Guess.... this-a..... is-a it.... It had been a good try, but not even the magical gun was enough to save him from so many determined attackers. Nothing to do but wait for the end..... “Roooooaaar!” An angry bellow sounded out of the foliage, and an ape followed that roar. He smacked two of the birds from behind and turned to the rest. “Rowf! Rowf!” Marguerite bounded after the smashing ape, careful to stay clear of his deadly fist and catching any unwary ducks firmly with her snapping jaws. “Don’t forget about me! Hya!” Pauline flew after even more of the birds with her parasol, skirt swishing proudly in the winds of war. More ducks fell to this renewed assault, but some were swift and cunning enough to fly out of range of the ambush. Screeching from their lofty height, they dared the humans, dog, and ape to catch them. And one man accepted the challenge. Jumpman picked himself off the ground and leaped into the air. He came down neatly on the head of one of the few remaining ducks. From there, he jumped only three more times, precisely on the backs of the final opponents. Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! Four birds hit the dust. Thud! Jumpman landed gracefully on the ground. Donkey Kong, Pauline, and Marguerite looked on, jaws hanging open. “We-a won,” He said simply. A moment later, the heavens snapped. ~~~ It would be quite pretty from a cosmic viewpoint. A single bright ball of light, exploded into many separate beads. One such bead—visibly different from the rest—distanced itself from the others, sailing away to parts of the multi-verse unknown. Those remaining scattered, but within a certain radius. They stayed together as if tied with invisible strings, and one remained in the center. But these final beads of light were still on a collision course with those far in the distance—their trials were far from over. ~~~ “Ugh......” A young man held his head. “Where am I?” He looked around. The scenery was familiar, and there was his gun, lying by his side. Covered in dog slobber. “Must of fallen asleep. Man, I had the strangest dream...... I dreamt I was a carpenter. And I was shooting ducks, just like I always did...... and you were there, Rusty. Right by my side. Strange, huh?” Marguerite just shook her head. Life would go better for him if he did not have to comprehend just what happened this day. “Wait a second......” The young man stooped to pick up the ammunition box. “There are twenty-two bullets gone!” ~~~ “Huh..... I can talk again, and that tie is gone,” mused a giant ape. “Where....? Huh. So can I. And no accent.” “Ugh.... what HAVE I done to my hair? And my dress? And why do I feel like I’ve just committed many violent acts against waterfowl?” Life would go on for them as well..... for now. ~*Fin*~ Next Day Back |