| Sovereign Threads: The Spring Fanfiction Project |
April 5, 2004Final Fantasy vs Pitfall: Chapter 1 The gentle drip of dew falling from leaves, the gentle rustle of a breeze disturbing the dense foliage, the chirp of untold numbers of insects and the agonized cry as Pitfall Harry stumbled through the foliage, clutching his shin. “Damned snakes!” he growled, casting a disgusted glace back into the offending bush, and presumably the offending serpent. Harry was a young man, and a hero in every sense of the word. His valiant Indiana Jones-styled looks made him a the dream of every woman: a lean body, finely chiseled muscles and a rugged face that could start wars. In addition to all that, he was easily one of the richest men in the world, having combed dozens of ancient ruins for lost treasures to add to a private collection. In fact, that was the reason he was in South America that weekend. He’d heard rumors of a lost Mayan temple and was eager to discover what riches might lie inside. However, his going wasn’t easy. Although typical, many hurdles still awaited him: rushing rivers filled with hungry crocodiles, inconveniently placed canyons, snakes, fire... All typical menaces to the heroic Harry. Today was different though, he could feel it in the air. The sun beat heavily upon him, sweat building under the brim of his hat. Then, with surprising quickness, a shadow descended upon the forest. Harry looked up curiously. The sky had been clear earlier, without sign of a single cloud. As he scanned the sky, he found that that fact still held true. There wasn’t even a slight wisp of white in the sky. Rather, the world itself had darkened around him, the colors becoming mute and faded. Then, the earth began to shake violently, knocking the esteemed adventurer from his feet. He covered himself, hoping to guard against anything that fell from above. As he remained cowering, the shaking became more intense and focused. For the merest instant, it felt as if his body was being torn apart and then reassembled (with a few extra particles to spare). Then, as suddenly as it had begun, it stopped. The world was bright again, the earth was still. Slowly and cautiously he uncovered his head to peer up and make sure all was well. Indeed, it did seem to be the same forest he had just been in not seconds ago, except for two notable changes. The first was that the tract of tropical foliage before him had vanished, replaced by a massive ruin. It was impossible to accurately describe. It seemed like a castle that had been built by multiple architects: a dull and plain entryway, a massive and ornate tower that seemed to extend into the heavens themselves and behind that, a dark and foreboding castle. It was a sight that made up the wet dreams of historians and adventurers alike. Oh, and of course, the other addition to the scene was the wicked looking sword being held at the bridge of his nose. The sword itself was attached to a hand, which was attached to an arm, which was finally attached to a knight in bloodstained platemail. From the narrow eye slits on the knight’s horned helm, he could see dark eyes piercing his very soul. “I WILL KNOCK YOU DOWN!” Harry looked dumbfounded for a moment. “You’ll what?” “I will knock you down,” he repeated, much quieter this time. “You’ll... knock me down?” He stared disbelievingly at the knight. “Is that a threat?” “Well, I thought it seemed pretty clear,” the knight growled as he drew the sword back, allowing it to rest on his shoulder. “‘Garland, you need a better battle cry.’ That’s what everyone at the academy kept telling me. Think they’re right?” Harry raised an eyebrow as he pulled himself up from the ground. “Well, its not very good, I can tell you that much.” Garland sighed as he sheathed the weapon. “This sucks. I’ve spent years perfecting that line and the guy I get to use it on thinks it sucks?” He rolls his eyes. “Well then my oh-so-intelligent victim, do you have a better suggestion?” “Ready yourself to perish at the edge of my blade!” The cry echoed through the forest, reverberating off the building. Garland, well, it could be guessed that he smiled, but a full face plate made that difficult to ascertain. “I like that. Its pretty...” he trailed off as he saw the warrior, clad in red armor, his fiery hair flowing in the wind, rush towards him, sword drawn. “Damn...” Garland’s last words were as pathetic as his first, the warrior’s blade hacking into his midsection and dropping him with ease. Harry stared on in mild disbelief as the warrior brought his weapon back up and wiped it off his pants. “Well, that was easy guys. He was pretty wussy actually.” Three more figures emerged from the forest, each looking as strange as the other two. Following not too far behind him was a slim, elven youth, dressed in earth colored clothes, with exceptionally odd looking blue hair. Behind him were two others. The first was a man wearing a robe as black as night, his face shrouded beneath a hat that resembled those of Chinese laborers. “Man, you practically chopped him in half.” Clinging to him was a woman was dressed in scintillating white robes, red hair flowing freely over her hood, framing a beautiful face. “Oh, that’s icky darling.” Harry began to slowly edge towards the ruins, hoping the four wouldn’t notice him. “He may have gone down easy, but it wasn’t worthwhile. This armor is crap, his sword a hack job. Nothing of value,” the blue haired one said, shaking his head in disgust. “I should have just Erased him Fighter. Would have saved time.” The red haired man, aptly named Fighter, shrugged. “If he had anything useful, we would have lost it. Right Thief?” The blue haired man nodded. “Don’t want to risk any treasure if we’re going for these Four Orbs. Your spells usually annihilate anything that would be worth taking Black Mage.” “But at least its cleaner, isn’t that right my darling little White Mage?” he cooed, nuzzling against her. She giggled as she hugged tighter against him. “That’s right! No more messiness dear.” Harry slipped inside the doorway cautiously, not making a sound as he opened and closed the door. These people were, well, freaks. He’d heard spending too much time in the jungle was bad for the mind, but this was pushing it. He moved quickly past the initial room and found himself descending a stairway into unending blackness. But hey, no snakes and definitely safer than outside. Or, that’s what he was thinking... Chapter 2 The stairway seemed to continue eternally. It seemed to dig deep into the bowels of the earth, far below the forest above, far below the earth’s crust. “If I were still a kid, I’d think I was three-quarters of the way to China by now,” he muttered, skipping down the stairs two at a time, a flashlight illuminating the steps before him. “Really though, what’s the point of digging a temple this far beneath the Earth anyway. Same thing could be done on the surface, with a lot less effort.” Sadly, the seemingly endless hallway held no answer for him. Only the echo of his question and the gentle clack of his footsteps. Then abruptly, the stairway ended at a landing with a small iron door. “Finally,” he muttered, tossing the door open, not really caring if the door was trapped or not. Luckily for him, it wasn’t. Hell, even the hinges were well oiled, the door swinging open with minimal difficulty. Contrary to the hopes of comedy (or even Slayers) fans, the doorway did not reveal another unending set of stairs. In fact, it opened into an expansive chamber. The room seemed to stretch out for hundreds of yards in every direction, but that was all. Nothing else. Just a dirt floor. Harry stared at it in disbelief. After all, what was the point of such a room? The only notable thing he could find was the fact that the dust in several spots seemed a slightly different color than the rest. He shook his head, preparing to take a step forward, when the roof simply fell, crushing the entire room. An eyebrow crept up as the roof began to rise. To Harry’s now discerning eye, he could see the roof contained gaps, conveniently placed over the areas where the sand’s coloration was different. This trap, probably shamelessly stolen from some outside source, was too easy. With the barest smile crossing his face, Harry began his mad dash to the first clear spot. Much to his delight, he made it with several seconds to spare. The next one, however, was much further off. Again, he ran full tilt, but this time, found himself a distressing number of feet from the safe patch as the roof began to fall. He dove forward desperately, the roof falling millimeters behind his feet. He lay on the ground, gasping for breath for several moments before he sat up, gently feeling his head. With a sigh of disgust, he leaned backwards and grabbed his hat, pulling the ruined decoration to him as the roof fell again. “Stupid trap,” he muttered, trying to brush the hat off and restore it to a proper, three-dimensional shape. Not really finding the task possible, he simply did his best to balance the obvious denial of physics on his head as he looked forward. There were three more sections he had to pass before he reached the doorway that would assumedly allow him to exit this asinine room. The dashes were the same frantic scrambles as previously described, so its rather pointless to go into further detail. Instead, we’ll skip ahead to the point where he reaches the door and finds a sign hanging from the knob. He pulled it off curiously to look it over. “Gone to Hell for a snack and ensure my ultimate control is secure. Please don’t enter while I’m gone. Thanks, Lich” Harry looked at the sign appraisingly, even taking a moment to read it again as he stood there, the ominous “whoomph” of the ceiling echoing behind him. However, no matter how many times he read it, the message remained that same, unbelievable blurb of text. Chapter 3 The door opened up into another unnecessarily large chamber (apparently whoever had designed this dungeon either really liked space, or had no idea how to interconnect four completely different buildings). However, this room did have a slightly different layout. Instead of sand and a falling ceiling, it was filled with lava. Yes, the entire chamber was, basically, a lake of molten stone. Harry groaned at the sheer stupidity of it. What in the nine hells was the point of making a massive room and then filling it with magma? Seriously, maybe make a nice TV or game room or something. There was enough space to have an indoor bowling alley or home theater. If they really wanted, they could section off the room and make a small home. This whole temple practically shouted “Affordable tract housing!” He rubbed his temples. It was starting to rub off on him. Now he was wasting precious brain cells on inane thoughts. He needed to focus and figure out how he was supposed to cross the lake of lava. At the moment, his mind wasn’t too proactive, so he was quite lucky when the answer presented itself to him. Swimming in conveniently parallel patterns were several crocodilian creatures. Their red coloration almost perfectly camouflaged them in the liquid, but Harry’s well trained eyes picked them up with relative ease. They were swimming lazily, their mouths hanging idly open for some reason or another. Harry smirked. This was something he was familiar with. He had no doubt that time spent swimming in the lava had roasted their brains and dulled their senses to the point where he could jump onto their mouths without being noticed. As long as he moved quickly, he could get across the lake without difficulty. He did it with crocodiles all the time, why should things that looked like them and lived in lava behave differently. By the crappy logic of this place, it sounded effective. Harry stood for several moments at the lake’s edge, intently studying their movements. It was too perfect. Their paths were staggered enough that he could get across without staying on one for more than a couple of seconds. Finally he was catching a break. He leapt as the first creature came near, landing precariously on the narrow support that was its tongue. Much to his pleasure, it was much stiffer and dryer than that of a crocodile, probably the result of living in such a hot area. Just as he’d suspected though, the beast didn’t even notice its new passenger, giving Harry plenty of time to move onto the next one. He proceeded across the entire lake in this Frogger-esque manner, growing too casual in on the last few jumps. As he leapt for the opposite ledge, the final creature’s mouth slammed shut, cutting cleanly though Harry’s jacket. He hit the ground hard, rolling head over heels, his breath coming in quick gasps. That was almost the second time he’d been killed today. He was going to have to start being more careful if he wanted to make it out alive. Just like last time, this ledge moved down a small hallway and ended at a simple wooden door. Much to Harry’s delight, there was no completely stupid sign on the door, only a moderately stupid one. It was a little duck shaped plaque that read “Kary.” It wasn’t too difficult to resist the urge to take the plaque and hurl it into the lava. That would be too easy. So, without taking another second to consider the nameplate, he pushed the door open. Inside, it was actually surprisingly pleasant. Another bedroom design, although this time the theme seemed to be “little girl” or, at best, “teenager.” The walls were painted a soft pink, with little clouds stenciled all over. In the center of the room was a small bed, probably the bottom of a bunk bed, with sky blue sheets and a frilly rouge quilt. And of course, the bed wouldn’t be complete without the massive pile of stuffed animals at its foot. Harry’s blank stare turned to one of fright as he saw the serpentine coil falling off the corner of the bed. He began to shake as his eyes traveled up the massive snake tail. Little snakes hurt him all the time. What could a creature that big do to him? His gaze continued to rise, his shaking beginning to lessen as the scales gave way to a flat stomach, with beautifully tanned skin. His shaking died completely as the tilt continued, four arms covering a perfectly shaped bosom, barely keeping this story mildly rated. The other two arms (bringing the grand total to six) were busily involved in combing out the gorgeous mass of auburn hair that framed a gentle face. The snake woman, assumedly named Kary, had her eyes closed, humming with each stroke of the brush. “Ah, excuse me, Kary?” Harry asked tentatively. The brushing stopped instantly as she turned, her eyes opening wide in shock. “Oh gawds, you scared me!” she cried. “Don’t come into a girl’s room unannounced!” Harry scratched his head and even had the decency to look embarrassed. “I’m sorry about that Kary. I didn’t know.” She sighed and set the brush down, those other four arms still preventing this scene from becoming interesting. “So, I suppose you’re one of those light warriors Chaos told us to expect?” She slid gently off the bed, staying low on her coil. “I suppose I’ll have to take a break to thwart you. I’m awfully sorry about this mister, you’re really cute.” “Light warriors?” Harry looked at her questioningly. “Ah, what is a ‘light warrior?’” “You don’t know?” she asked, smiling cheerfully and clapping the two uninvolved hands in front of her. “That’s great! If you aren’t one of the light warriors, I won’t have to kill you.” Harry couldn’t help but laugh nervously. “I, suppose that’s a good thing.” She came up close to him, her tail wrapping around his legs. “Wait a minute, I think I’ve seen you on TV before. Are you... could you be Pitfall Harry by chance?” “Well, yeah,” Harry said, unsure of exactly how to respond. Six-armed snake women weren’t common sights. “Oh, you are!” she cried gleefully, winding further around his legs. “Could you give me an autograph or your hat or something?” she begged. “Oh, I’d give you anything if you would. I’d be the envy of all my friends!” Their faces were bare centimeters apart, and their bodies were intertwined in a manner that very few others could achieve without intensive training. And those damn spare arms were still keeping interest down. Harry idly wondered if their only purpose was as a substitute bra. He had to admit though, aside from the snake-tail thing, she was quite hot (no pun intended). He shrugged. “Sure thing Kary,” he said, removing the hat which, sometime over the trek to the room, had managed to return itself to all three dimensions. Grinning, he placed it on her head, the brim dripping cutely over her face. “If you wanted, you could even give me your number and we could go to dinner or something...” She practically squealed with joy. “Oh, would you really? Really?” She wound up his body to the full extent her tail would allow, kissing him delicately on the cheek. She cast about for something to write on, before finally unwinding and diving (as best as her shape would allow) into the pile of stuffed animals. When she finally emerged, she was scribbling frantically with a felt tip marker on gem that looked just like the Earth Orb, except it was colored like a ruby. Finally, she held it out to him, tossing the pen back on the bed. “I’m sorry, but the only thing I had was my Fire Orb. But for your hat and a dinner date, its totally worth it!” Harry accepted the orb, glanced at the number, committed it to memory and then slid it into his jacket. “All right Kary, Friday sound all right?” She sighed. “To be honest Harry, any day’s fine. All I have to do is sit around and wait for the Light Warriors to show up.” She chuckled, “And since I just handed the Orb over to you, well, I don’t have anything to do.” At that moment, the familiar figure of Fighter stepped into the room, grinning nastily as he unsheathed his sword. “So, you’re the one who took the Earth Orb and now you’ve got the Fire Orb. Why don’t you hand them over and Mister Pointy won’t need exercise.” Harry groaned. He knew it had been too good to think that he’d escaped these weirdos. Looks like things were (finally) going to get exciting. Chapter 4 Harry groaned as he barreled through the door, and frantically slammed it shut behind him. Things were looking bad. His clothes were sopping wet and his left arm had a nasty gash that he had barely managed to bandage as he had dodged deadly flames and thrown weapons. As could be surmised, things had gone to hell right after Fighter had burst in with the rest of his team. Harry wasn’t about to give up the orbs he had nearly died several times to get. Of course, Fighter wasn’t about to let him have them. In other words, they were at an impasse, and Fighter didn’t seem to like impasses. Harry had waved a desperate farewell to Kary who returned with an enthusiastic six armed good-bye, finally exposing the orbs that the majority of the audience and Harry had really wanted to see. It was a true shame the narrative had already skipped ahead to gloss over two more dungeons, robbing any interested individuals of any reason to continue observing Harry’s adventure, except for the off chance that Kary might make another appearance. Sadly, that prospect wasn’t looking too good as Harry leaned back against the heavy metal door that he had shut and locked. In fact, the prospect of Harry remaining alive wasn’t looking too good either. However, there was no way those four could get through the door without quite a bit of effort, so, for now at least, Harry was safe to sit and catch his breath. The glossed over section had been quite exciting. The third dungeon had been rather soggy, entailing a fast paced race down a half-mile long waterside, culminating as the group landed in a massive pool occupied by a giant sea serpent by the name of Kraken. Oddly, that room turned out to be its bath (which of course warrants the question why such a thing is necessary), and, like most sapient individuals, it hated to be interrupted while it was bathing. Harry had barely managed to clear out while the four adventurers did battle with it, shouting things about “loot” and “experience.” Following that wonderful dip in the water, Harry had an incredibly enjoyable two mile run up a flight of circular stairs. Yes, two miles. Straight up. But at this point, such a stupid stairway didn’t surprise him. In fact, its absence would have amazed him more. Of course, since nothing could be easy (or easier, considering he was being chased by a group of psychotic murderers) the stairway had to end in an aviary tended by a multi-headed dragon named Tiamat. In classic heroic fashion, he managed to tie the heads in knots while it was distracted with the psychotic group, and then he had made a quick exit, listening as they argued over what to do with the dead beast. They wanted more of this “loot” and “experience.” After having a moment to wonder why things in this bizarre complex had more appendages then necessary, he fled the chamber and, well, here he was. To put it bluntly, Harry was dazed, confused, tired, sore and very angry. This isn’t the sort of crap he was supposed to deal with. His problems were supposed to be mundane. Snakes, poachers, crumbling hallways, ancient booby traps, that sort of thing. Not horrendous creatures from god knows where. “God damn it!” he cried, hurling his hat at the wall. “I want out of this! I want out!” For good measure, he stomped angrily on the hat before kicking it further down the hall. “This is ridiculous! This is stupid! What sort of man came up with this... this... this asinine dungeon?” He couldn’t control himself as he continued raging. “No. Calling it a dungeon is quantifying its existence. I refuse to acknowledge this!” His fists were clenched in a white-knuckled rage as he glared up at the ceiling. “You hear that! I refuse! I refuse, you ass!” The normally well composed man was turning an interesting shade of red. “Whoever you are, some ancient god cursing me for transgressions, SCREW YOU! I’m done with your game!” He laughed as he pointed down the hall. “This is the way to the end, huh? Well fine! Fine!” He laughed maniacally as he began walking forward. “I’ll show you! I’ve beat everything else in this place! I even have a date with that super cute snake girl! Who’s winning?” He walked, admiring the carpet. It was a nice design to be honest. Beautiful white overlaid with images of demons violating mortals. “I love the design,” he muttered under his breath. “Maybe you should get some matching tapestries.” He continued on, his righteous fury not fading a bit as he trudged down the hall, observing the story that the tapestry told. A lot of violence, futility and rape. Like the old days. Every step enraged him further. The hallway seemed to continue for an eternity, stretching out into the infinitely into the distance, never ending, just pressing into the darkness forever. It could be considered quite metaphorical for the life of man if one was interested in making it such. Harry wasn’t. Was it seconds, minutes, hours, days, years, decades, centuries, millennia? He didn’t know. He didn’t care. All he cared was that he reached the end of the hallway, reached the massive double doors, reached the handle and, despite their size, threw the doors open on well oiled hinges. The sight that greeted him was a horrendous one. Seated upon a monstrous marble throne was, for lack of a better description, a demon. Indeed, it was a truly hideous creature. It smiled, a gesture that involved showing its teeth more than any actual joy or amusement. “So, the Light Warrior finally appears.” Its voice had a rasping, hissy quality to it. “I thought there would be more of you.” Harry smiled madly as he strode in, his hands at his sides. “Sure. I’m the only one you need. I don’t care about these light warriors or whatever anymore. Are you the boss here?” The demon stood, bowing with a flourish. “Indeed. I am lord of the four fiends, the demon Chaos. A pleasure to meet you...?” “Harry. Pitfall Harry.” “Mister Harry then.” Chaos sighed as it raised a clawed hand to its face. “I suppose this is the part where I should try and bribe you with gold, jewels, wealth, fame and women. Whatever you want.” Harry began giggling. “Oh yes. Yes! Time for a perfectly asinine conversation that could only happen in some painfully contrived world.” Chaos shrugged. “I can fully understand your point. That’s why I won’t waste time. I’ll kill you now. And kill you I will.” Harry had a moment to stare dumbly at the demon, watching as he began to make arcane gestures, a ball of fire building in his hands. Despite the fact that, in reality, Harry’s continued existence lasted only a few seconds, it seemed like an eternity. He wondered about the purpose of his life. He wondered if he should have gone for a law degree instead of seeking excitement, wealth and fast women. He wondered if he had gotten Kary’s number right on the Fire Orb. Above all, he wondered why. Why had this happened to him? What kind of cruel joke was it? Who wanted to toy with his very existence and torture him so? Where did they derive their perverse pleasure from? Why couldn’t he be free? How had it come to this? Was his life really so meaningless? Empty and devoid? A joke for some cosmic audience? He’d done nothing wrong! And then Harry was no more, mere dust upon the wind as the hellfire of Chaos engulfed him. The Demon chuckled, looking at the ash pile that had been one of the modern world’s greatest treasure hunters. Nothing remained. No clothes. No orbs. Not even a hat for comic relief. Harry was dead, all because of the whim of some sick being. Life was unfair. Chaos couldn’t help itself as it looked down upon the remains of what he had believed to be one of the Light Warriors. Its hands waved in the air and it chanted, blasting the ashes with even more high level spells. It was going to make sure it was dead. Nuke, Erase, XXXX... all of its strongest magic was brought to bear to insure the death of its nemesis. Finally convinced that its victory was secure, it reseated himself upon its throne. It had exhausted all its magical power to exterminate him, but the threat to his dominance was gone. Or at least, it thought he was. Voices echoed down the hallway, mixtures of anger, rage, dissatisfaction. Chaos could feel its stomach drop, if it had such an organ. What if Harry hadn’t been a Light Warrior? It had just wasted all his power. Dread filled its being. It was the end... Harry was no more. This new world had consumed him, but he had saved it. His brazen assault against Chaos insured victory for the Light Warriors. He had saved this hybrid world, an ironic twist, considering he despised it. Everyone went on living their new, happy lives, the absence of the mere speck that had been the man known as Harry not even known to them. Even Kary. Sure, she was upset by the fact that he never got around to calling her back, but that only opened the doors to greater happiness as she met a wonderful cat-girl and fell deeply in love, proving that love can transgress the boundaries of species and gender. Harry’s “rejection” had guided her to true happiness. It was sad. Harry was the greatest hero the world had known, yet no one would ever know of it. RIP Pitfall Harry 1982-2004 ~*Fin*~ Next Day Back |