| Miscellaneous |
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The Little Red Riding Shake There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Shake, who lived on the edge of a large forest called SC Board which was full of endangered BigCows and Lettuce Kefka's that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them. Little Red Riding Shake lived with a ruler named Ceejus whom he sometimes referred to as administrator, although he didn't mean to imply by this term that he would have thought less of the person if a master-slave link did not, in fact, exist. Nor did he intend to denigrate the value of benefiting from this person's home and haven. One day Ceejus asked him to take a basket of organically grown Karma to Popo's house. "But, Ceejus, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to take all Karma between various people in the woods? Won't we disturb the mods?" Ceejus assured him that he had called the union boss MapleJet and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form. "But, Ceejus, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?" Ceejus pointed out that it was impossible for users to oppress each other, since all users were equally oppressed until they were all banned. "But, Ceejus, then shouldn't you have GANON1025 carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?" Ceejus just calmly shook his head. "And what about MapleJet? He's used to taking Karma!" Ceejus explained that MapleJet was attending a special rally for trigger happy markers (Most of PotD would be attending), and besides, this wasn't stereotypical snitches work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community. "But won't I be oppressing Popo, by implying that he's weak and hence unable to independently further his own selfhood?" Ceejus explained that Popo wasn't actually sick or needy or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health." It simply meant that we opted to control and rule over him even if he didn't need this kind of system. Thus, Little Red Riding Shake felt that he could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to Popo, and so he set off. Many people believed that the SC forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Little Red Riding Shake knew that this was an irrational fear caused by stick-up-ass instilled by boring sheep that regarded the manufactered world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were, in fact, intolerable competitors. Fr0q had learned that. Other people avoided the woods for fear of trolls and fads, but Little Red Riding Shake felt that, in a truly classless society, all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models. On his way to Popo's house, Little Red Riding Shake passed a woodchopper named Agasonex, and wandered off the path in order to examine some Lettuce Kefka. He was startled to find himself standing before a wolf named PotD, who asked him what was in his basket. Little Red Riding Shake's admin had warned him never to talk to strangers, but he was confident in taking control of his own massive cojones, and chose to dialog with the wolf. He replied, "I am bringing Popo some healthful Karma in a gesture of solidarity." The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little goblin to walk through these woods alone. You're in my territory now." Little Red Riding Shake said, "I find your racist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely distorted world view. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way." Little Red Riding Shake returned to the main path, and proceeded toward Popo's house. But because his status outside society had given him access to special powers in return for slavish ignorance along the lines of its linear, German-style thought (around 1943), the Wolf knew of a quicker route to the home of Popo. He burst into the house and ate Popo, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender-role notions, he put on Popo's female nightclothes (Popo likes the touch of silk on his naked skin), crawled under the sheets, touched himself, and awaited developments. Little Red Riding Shake entered the cottage and said, "Popo, I have brought you some cruelty-free Karma to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing contributor." The wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I might see you." Little Red Riding Shake said, "Goodness! Popo, what big hands you have!" "You forget that I need those to touch myself at night.." "And Popo, what an enormous—er—what a fine nose you have." "Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child. It also helps me detect decent peop—.. I MEAN, offensive poste—.. I MEAN,....err, nothing. I'm just Popo." *whistles* "And Popo, what very big, sharp teeth you have!" The wolf could not take any more of these specialist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate to his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Shake, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see poor Popo cowering in his belly. "Aren't you forgetting something?" Little Red Riding Shake bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!" The wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on him. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax. "Hands off!" cried the woodchopper. "And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Shake. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self-esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams." "Last chance, GOBLIN! Get your hands off that poor PotD user! This is a MOD raid!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Shake nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off his head. "Thank goodness you got here in time," said the wolf. "That bratty troll and that annoying Popo lured me in here. I thought I was a goner." "No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw him picking those protected Lettuce Kefka's earlier. He's both deranged and endangered. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you want any MMA?" "Sure," said the wolf. "Thanks." Back |