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"Link Kicks Ass Link kicks ass. Why? He kicks ass by virtue of being a knight. Knights, as we all know from history class, kicked ass. They came in hordes, rode horses, and slashed people up good. Link does all those, and more. What killed knights? Longbowmen. Longbowmen were little crappers that had the annoying ability to shoot arrows right through the thickest of armor. Imagine rushing at the enemy, resplendent in your ass-kicking armor, and then the guy next to you falls down. Then, another flash of movement and there's an arrow through your chest. It went through your armor like it was paper. Those damned archers and their ass-kicking bows. While you're bleeding there, you realize that your ass-kicking was not superior to theirs, and if you had a bow of some sort you may have had superior ass-kickingness and then blazed through those little archer-men like they were nothing. Link, however, is like an Archer-knight. He's got a sword, arrows, and a shield. He doesn't have that crappy armor that barely lets you move, he just carries a shield and then pwnz stuff hard. All his junk kicks ass too. He's got an Ocarina. The name Ocarina just kicks ass. But this isn't any Ocarina, its an Ocarina of Time. He can friggin travel through time with it, and he can do all sorts of cool stuff. He controls the planets rotation, changing day to night and vice-versa. This Ocarina kicks ass. He has the help of faeries. In the rare event that he falls, they revive him. So you're all like, "YEAH! I killed him, and overcame his ass-kicking power!" and then he comes to life and then kills you, because he just kicks that much ass. His arrows aren't just regular arrows, they're all sorts of crap. They can be infused with fire and never burn up, they can freeze people, and they can even vanquish evil with a few well-place shots. Not just that, but his bow-and-arrow isn't just a BAA, its a friggin missile launcher. THOSE ARROWS CAN CARRY FRIGGIN BOMBS! So this guy has the equivalent of a freeze-ray, a flamethrower, a gun-of-holiness, and some sort of rocket launcher. Just with his friggin arrows. Therefore, he must kick ass. Lots and lots of ass. But it doesn't stop there. His shield kicks ass. It doesn't just defend him, it absorbs magic and THROWS IT BACK AT THE ENEMY. What the hell kind of attack is gonna get through that? You're all like, "Feel the wrath of my Hadoken-style magic beam of deathness, Elfie!" and then he catches it and flings it back at you. Then you die. His shield kicks ass, but so does his sword. Not only is it a sword, but its a special sword. If Link isn't hurt, IT SHOOTS FRIGGIN LASER BEAMS. He has a sword that SHOOTS LASER BEAMS. I'm going to say it again, the sword SHOOTS LASER BEAMS! You're all like, "w00t! I'm 20 feet away and running faster than Link! I may not kill him, but he won't kill me!" Then he shoots you. Not with an arrow, which is cool but expected, but he shoots you with his sword. With his laser-beam firing sword. He also uses magic. Invincibility-inducing magic. Teleportation magic. Ass-kicking fire magic. His sword charges with magic and shoots it outwards in a circle around him. So Link is like Samus, nearing the ass-kicking threshold. But he already has a hat. Unfortunately, he has a very hard time of taking the Ass-Kicking Beam of Light form, whilst Samus just puts a funny hat ontop of her helmet. That is his one weakness." Back |